I have waited a whole 24 hours to be able to write about this. It has taken me nearly that much time to calm down. This is where real honesty starts, ladies! So consider yourself warned--I'm putting myself out there and not holding back.
We all know that pregnancy brings on horrible hormones and brings out the crazy in all of us. I didn't know how bad it could get until last night. I'll spare my husband and not go into any nitty gritty details. Basically, it went something like this:
Tim: I'm thinking about....blah blah blah.
Kate (who did not choose her words wisely): Well (insert snotty inconsiderate remark here)!
Tim: Basically just angry about my comment and letting me know.
Anyway, the gist of it is that we got into it last night and this crazy woman completely overtook my brain and emotions. I turned into a blubbering, snotty, red-faced, coughing crybaby.
Now, I won't say that my feelings were wrong. I don't believe they were, but my method of delivery was poorly chosen and for that I stand guilty as charged.
A few things made me cry harder .Tim threw the washcloth into the sink and broke my new teapot. That made him feel terrible and made me cry harder. I ran into the bathroom to blow my snotty nose, took one look in that big old mirror of ours with bright hollywood lighting and saw how horrible my red puffy faced looked with all of my pregnancy pimples and bloodshot eyes and started crying so hard that I started coughing. Then, the coughing became so strong that it made me pee my pants! I am doing my daily kegels but they couldn't prevent that session of incontinence! Of course that made me utter (okay, loudly state) a profanity and I just got pissed.
It was a horrible night. Of course we made sure to end it well and lovingly, but I was still teary in the morning on my way to work. I just couldn't calm down! I can't seem to reign in these emotions lately. I wish I were more level headed. And I am concerned my craziness will affect little James.
Here's why I think I am so emotional:
1) I am tired because I am not sleeping well.
2) I am scared to not be able to provide everything this little guy needs and continue my duties at home at work.
3) I feel incredibly insecure about how my body is changing...the weight, the pimples, the waddling, the shortness of breath. I truly am amazed when I am all by myself and see the miracle of pregnancy in my belly reflected in the mirror. But these are private, unshared moments. These are the ones I need to focus on.
4) Frankly, I am scared that my husband will lose his attraction for me. Now, understand my friends, this is ridiculous and completely unfounded. He tells me I'm gorgeous and he loves touching my belly. He is so supportive and loving....in a "man" way, which is the best way he knows how. Men and women communicate differently and reach each others' needs in different manners. He doesn't understand my insecurity or blubbering craziness, and really, I shouldn't expect him to. That is what wise women are for...men react in their own, God-given way, and the way Tim handles me is exactly how he should handle me. God gave us each other for a purpose. I love that man very much.
So we went to my 24 week appointment today. He came along and my midwife asked me how things were going. I told her that last week I felt so good, healthy and pretty, and this week I feel terrible. It was difficult for me to tell her, especially in front of my husband, but I made myself open up about all of my insecurity and self-image issues and how I worried that it was affecting our baby. I even told her how I peed my pants coughing...hey, you've gotta have some humor right? We all got some laughs out of that.
I'm so glad I opened up to her. I have struggled with mild depression and anxiety in the past (most of us do!) and I think that it is important to go into this pregnancy and parenthood with complete honesty. This is who I am. This is what I struggle with. I know myself and my limits and know how to overcome them. I usually manage it quite well. It's just a lot harder during pregnancy.
Do you know what she suggested? She told me that I cannot weigh in regularly anymore. I am not to step on the scale at my appointments and Tim is to not allow me to get on any scales. She says that I take such good care of my health through exercise and nutrition that she is not concerned about weight gain. I will take the gestational diabetes test next month. At the end or if there are any problems, she will weigh me but I am not allowed to look at the number. I am absolutely thrilled with this idea! In a way, I feel that I am being freed from some bondage that I didn't know I had. Pregnancy is the right time to find freedom from bondage.
She also warned me that we need keep an eye on my postpartum emotional state. I completely agree and have spoken to Tim about this already. I don't expect any problems, but it is better to enter that time with awareness and honestly than with ignorance and shame.
It is not easy to write about these things because they are private and are not usually openly shared. By doing so I am allowing myself to be vulnerable. However, it is my hope that by sharing my experiences, fears and triumphs, some wise woman will learn that it is normal to feel like this and that other women go through these struggles and emerge triumphant.
The most amazing part of this is that I sincerely feel that something cracked open for me today. I feel some holy light...might I say grace? I am much happier and more relieved today. Maybe this is a lesson the good Lord is teaching me. I believe he has tried to teach me this throughout my whole life and perhaps now is the perfect time. I thank my husband for loving me.
Most of all, tonight I am able to look forward to the next adventure with confidence.
(25 weeks, 5 days)
