Be thankful. Give thanks.

Midnight to Three A.M.

2011-10-04T15:52:00.000-07:00

Last night we (yes, all three of us) were up from midnight to three a.m. My husband has a deadline and needed to get the door before 6:30 and I had to work from home starting at 6:30. Oh, the joy. My husband looked at me at 7 a.m. (neither of us on time) and said, "If you didn't stay at home with James, we would fight a lot more."

My husband and I fight a lot more these days...We just get so tired. In my prenatal naivete, I did not realize this would happen. The best outcome of all of this tired fighting? We are learning to choose our battles, fight wisely and make it matter. It's actually pretty constructive. And to watch us grow together as people, spouses and parents amazes me. We are at (just about equal) times both better and worse. But we are together and in that, we are better.

Anyway, I felt the need to blog today. I don't have any special wisdom, tips or funny anecdotes. I feel blessed: I love this stage that my son is in right now at 16 months. He is so much fun. His personality explodes and he spouts a new word every other day. He can sign, laugh hysterically, make me laugh when I'm not expecting it, and surprise the dickens out of me.

Well the little guy just woke up from a blessedly long nap.

Peace.

Chasing paper, getting nowhere...

2011-09-06T08:33:00.000-07:00

Tim is somewhere on the Little Salmon, floating away from all of his cares and worries...a group of guys are on a 5-day kayaking and rafting trip and Tim, I am sure, is having the time of his life.

It's a good thing I am no stranger to being alone for long stretches with our son. I stayed in Moscow for part of the weekend, but yesterday I had a hot date, sshh!

James and I went to Pig Out in the Park. Well, let me back up.

I woke up yesterday morning and I couldn't move. I had hurt my back so badly that I could barely lift James. Thankfully after yoga, ibuprofen and icing, I was able to move around. Lovely timing to throw my back out with Tim gone for awhile.

But that wasn't going to stop us from having some Labor Day fun! I pack up a few small things, carefully loaded James in the carseat. He was glowing with excitement....or was that the white sheen from his all-natural, hemp-based sunscreen?

I made it down there with no problem (I detest driving in Spokane), found a parking spot by the Arena, which is a small miracle in itself, and completed a one-try, beautiful parallel park. Loaded the kiddo up, took a picture, and we were off!

We had a total blast! Here are the highs (and lows) of our date:

-A little boy gave James his balloon dog--there are still sweet strangers in the world, yes, even in Spokane.

-We played on the big red wagon and James went nuts. I almost went nuts keeping track of him with all the people. I am so nervous that he might get snatched by some weirdo when I blink or something. As we left we noticed some weirdo asshole relieving himself in the bushes next to the wagon. He wasn't homeless or anything. Just a weirdo who thought it was appropriate to do so AROUND CHILDREN. We stayed far away from him.

-We watched a little boy feeding the ducks, geese and seagulls. I thought James would pee his pants, he was so excited to be so close to the birds! (Well, he probably did, I guess.)

-We started to just wander around the park and heard a man who was about 20 feet behind me yell, "Can somebody find a doctor? My friend needs some help!" I turned around and there was a man lying down, chest heaving irregularly and limbs at odd angles. Several people were calling 911 so I did nothing until I realized that I should try to find a policeman or paramedic. As I left to find one, I heard the ambulance coming and a paramedic was there. I confess: we watched for a little while. The ambulance came down and brave men and women in dark blue FDNY helped the terrified man with the heaving chest. They started him on air and we left as they got out the EKG monitor because I realized that if it were me, I would not want an audience. So I am a little ashamed that we watched for so long and I really hope that man is OK. I was so impressed with the medics. I am not sure I could perform well in a job like that.

-Then we wandered around the food vendors. That was pretty fun! I still can't believe it though...I couldn't find anything to eat for dinner! Ha! I must have circled the vendors about four times. I settled on a lemonade and we decided to go home and have a spinach quiche for Labor Day. Not very patriotic, huh?

Anyway, it was an exciting day for that little guy and his mama. He was sweet all evening, ate a whole slice of quiche and some chicken, and then slept through the night.

I really, really miss Tim. It is a lot harder to parent without a spouse (and a very sore back). But, yesterday's "date" will go down in my memory book for sure.

Chocolate Chips and Facebook

2011-08-30T08:31:00.000-07:00

I am currently devouring What's Eating Your Child? by Kellly Dorfman, which discusses the relationship between nutrition and common childhood ailments. Last night I read that some studies have shown that sugar can be as addictive as heroin. Hold on, let me get some more chocolate chips before I continue.

Ok, now I have had my sugar fix.

My thought is that Facebook is as addictive as sugar and heroin. Facebook is evil. Sugar is evil. Heroin is really evil. Why is FB evil? Because they take information that normally should be private and expose it to all of your "friends". They make you believe you have control over your information but they 1) legally have ownership rights to all of the photos you post, 2) make your phone number available to any of your "friends" if you don't opt out and finally 3) are newly broadcasting your location whenever you log into FB (unless you opt out). This last one really gets me. Why does anyone, especially "friends" from high school or the gym who you don't really know, need to be informed whether you are home or not? Isn't that opening us up to a lot of vulnerability? Why does FB default to having these turned on? What is the real reason behind locating devices and owning our photos? What is FB really doing here?

Yes, I know that I sound paranoid and conspiratorial. Not to mention addicted.

You see, I really want to kill my FB page because I am not comfortable with how public it has become, but I can't. I like seeing the pictures and getting back in touch with people I otherwise would not have found.

So here are my options:

1) Clean up and delete my "friends" & block annoying posts. My account is otherwise as private as you can make it.
2) Kill my FB account and start blogging on a regular basis.
3) Leave it status quo and just keep getting pissed off at FB occasionally .

I think that I will probably end up somewhere in between all three options.

I have had some luck decreasing my sugar intake by only allowing myself sweets every other day. Maybe I should wean myself off of FB.

You might see more blogs.

Damn, I am out of chocolate chips.

Here Comes the Sun...

2011-04-22T10:20:00.000-07:00

"Little darlin', it's been a long, hard, lonely winter..."

On Monday we decided to purchase tickets to Florida to visit Tim's grandmother who is very ill. We are leaving on Saturday. That's right, this uber-planner, control freak who doesn't handle last-minute change very well had five days to plan for a week-long "vacation" with a toddler.

To my husband (who is away from home working all the time), this is not a big deal. He doesn't get it. To me, and to other moms out there, you understand. THIS IS A HUGE DEAL!!!!

#1 Reason This is a Big Deal:
Flying with a wiggly, energetic, loud, slobbering, teething, happy, sometimes crabby little boy with a cold. Need I say more.

#2 Reason This is a Big Deal:
It is 40 degrees and snowing here. It is 90 degrees and humid there. I had limited summer clothes for James and didn't know if my summer clothes even fit me anymore.

#3 Reason This is a Big Deal:
I seriously need a pedicure, and don't have time or money to get one. I mean come on have you looked at your wool sock clad winter heels and toes lately?

#4 Reason This is a Big Deal:
My house is a mess and the aforementioned uber-planner, control freak likes to have a clean house to come home to.

#5 Reason This is a Big Deal:
The previously aforementioned (twice) uber-planner control freak had Easter all planned out topped off with an adorable little suit and an egg hunt for Baby James.

But guess what? Now that I am over the shock of all of that, each one of those Big Deals really isn't a big deal and I am so excited...each one has turned into a positive thing.

#1 Reason This is NOT a Big Deal:
Flying with James will be a bit tough, especially considering the horrible teething and cold, BUT Tim will be with me this time and it will be so much easier.

#2 Reason This is NOT a Big Deal:
Who cares if it's 90 degrees? Hell at least I will get some sun! We are going to take James to the beach and to a wilderness area to see the manatees. How awesome is that?

#3 Reason This is NOT a Big Deal:
I can give myself a stinking pedicure and who cares anyway.

#4 Reason This is NOT a Big Deal:
Who cares about the messy house too. Afterall I had a kiddo who messes it up every 5 seconds so what's the point.

#5 Reason This is NOT a Big Deal:
We get to spend Easter with Granda Sue, Grampa Tim and Meme! How fun! James' first Easter will be shared with his granparents and his great-grandma. This means so much to me and Tim and what a fun memory we will have. Plus, that cute little four-piece suit looks awesome with khaki shorts and sandals.

So anyway, we are off to prance in the sun, spend quality time with Meme and hopefully come back with tans and a bit more relaxed.

Ahhh...

James' First Haircut...

2011-04-10T07:47:00.000-07:00

Given by daddy. Not bad hunny, especially with all those cowlicks!

Suburban Nightmare

2011-04-10T07:37:00.000-07:00

So to the Cocolalla Blogger Family: How many of you tear up and feel tugs at your heartstrings reading Lyle's and the other accounts of the trip to Uganda? I for one, feel like I am dragging feet stuck in 12 inches of mud. My husband keeps talking about francophone Africa lately. Hmmm. It's hard not to catch the fire isn't it? Guilt, admiration, love, longing, fear, joy...it's amazing how what these women are doing is touching each of us way back here, too.

Life has been difficult in the Smith family lately (for us middle-class white Americans with a roof over our heads, clothing, heat and too much food. Can you tell the blogs from Uganda have affected me???) Tim has been working out of town from Sunday to Friday. This leaves one day for my husband and James' daddy to love his wife, love his boy, play with his boy, do laundry, re-pack food and clothes, get some yard work done, go on a date with wife, catch up on sleep, bemoan all of the things that going wrong with our house, etc. As you can imagine, it puts some strain on our marriage. He is tired exhausted and trying not to be grumpy.

We have had a few boxing matches. I am a single mom all week, and even though I am blessed to not work right now, it is really hard, and really lonely. Then daddy comes home and mommy has to change things a little, and mommy is not good at that.

Well, the boxing gloves were thrown in the locker this weekend. Yesterday was one of the most mundane life-in-the-suburbs-day imaginable. We woke up, relaxed and played with James until about 1 p.m. or so and it was just nice to relax. Then we donned the work gear, put James in the pack-n-play and got to work in the yard. We gabbed, James played and Tim put up with my ceaseless chatter for about three hours. Then we went out to dinner and had a great time.

Pretty mundane, really. And the best day I have had this spring.

Tim looked at me as he was dozing off last night and told me that he really had fun doing yard work with me and James today. That is something from the guy who hates yard work.

You know, things could be better. We could have more money, live in the country, have leisure time...but I have the love and commitment of a man I love deeply and a little boy whose love for me shines out of his eyes and makes me want to be better.

This stay-at-home, suburban nightmare mom cannot be any happier right now.

What's on my heart...

2011-03-21T08:24:00.000-07:00

Most of you know that while not very religious, I am a person of faith. I don't have answers and I am strongly convicted of few things. Last night and this morning I have had my sweet little neice on my heart. She has learned a tough lesson about prayer that even most adults try to understand.

To me, prayer is one of the best things about having faith in God. But, it is also one of the most confusing. My neice is being raised by strong Christian parents with a lot more faith and conviction than me, and they are great parents. She prayed and prayed with all faith for something very specific, and believed in her little heart that it was going to happen. She is only 9 with that kind of faith.

I was 22 when I prayed and prayed and prayed for my good friend's daughter to live. She was about 7 and had been diagnosed with a very large tumor in her stomach. She was so vibrant, sweet and full of promise. I couldn't begin to understand that God wouldn't answer my prayer.

She died two months after she was diagnosed. My friend was only 22 at the time.

It has taken me years and years to reconcile in my heart why God didn't answer our prayers and why he would let something like that happen.

So how do you explain years of healing to a 9 year old whose disappointment surely must be confusing to her? After all, the Bible says to "ask and it shall be given to you." Thankfully her request was not in the least as serious as a dying 7 year-old. I have faith that somehow God will work in her little (big) heart to teach her peace and faith.

Maybe these are sort of a mandatory faith lesson...

I guess there are just things that we can never understand, and life, even the bad stuff and disappointments, just happen. In my simple and oftentimes not-very-mainstream-Christian-mind, I believe that God is there for comfort if we are willing to reach out to him, and prayer is about relationship with God, not getting what we think is good for us.

But really, I don't know...

And I am glad I am not her parents! They are doing a great job with those kiddos.

Catching up

2011-03-03T07:32:00.000-08:00

Hats off to all of the moms out there who work full time at home and work outside the home. I don't know how you manage. I rarely have downtime and fall into bed at 9 p.m. Oh, but I love it!

We have had an incredible month, and not in the good way. On February 4th, Tim had emergency gall bladder surgery and was in the hospital. A few days after that, James and I got the terrible stomach flu bug that is going around and I ended up in the hospital from it. Then Tim had eye surgery and is just now going back to work. I am glad February is over. Crossing my fingers for March (and more sunshine!).

I don't remember where I read it, but I recently read that instead of trying to get to the other side of the fence where the grass is greener, you should cultivate the grass on your side of the fence. God is really teaching me the depth of that through my husband. I am learning to appreciate every single day and focus on the blessings in my life, because before we know it, our lives will be over and we'll be looking back with appreciation and not regret (hopefully).

So my blessings this morning:

-A few minutes of alone time while James plays in his crib to eat breakfast and blog.
-Two weeks of a sick-free household (minus eye surgery).
-A husband whose love for me and our son inspire him to try to be better, do better, do more...when he absolutely does not need to.
-A sweet, good child, whose hiccups are currently so loud I can hear them all the way out here.

A day in the life...

2011-02-08T08:26:00.000-08:00

Tim had his surgery and although he had minor complications, he came out of it well. I however, will be very happy when he is off of the hydrocodone! I think it is a very strange medication and don't like it.

James is crawling, crawling, crawling! And pulling himself up to stand! Why, oh why does he have to chew on electrical cords? He chases the cat like crazy. I think he is the only one who loves the cat these days!

I've been waiting for Tim's help to get the fancy baby gate up and screw the baby proof latches on the cupboards and drawers. Well, now that he is out of commission for awhile, I just had to bite the bullet and do it by myself. I am happy to say that the baby will not fall down the stairs thanks to the new babygate I installed and I did not crack any of the wood in our cupboards or drawers screwing in the latches. Whew! I only messed up once and have one extra hole. Not too bad! It took me forever though! It's not very fun at all.

My new favorite activity is going to the YMCA for gym classes and to take James swimming! So fun! He loves the water!

Got a crying little guy...gotta run.

One of those days...

2011-02-02T07:22:00.000-08:00

James is sick again.

He cried all day yesterday.

I was very crabby.

We took a leap of faith and I am a stay at home mom now. We are so poor! But I got to be home and hold James all day yesterday without stressing about missing work.

Tim has to have gall bladder surgery--I know it is a common surgery so that is comforting. Hopefully he is scheduled for it soon so he can feel better.

Parenthood is hard. The days can be so long, but the months, and years, fly by. My baby will be a year old in only a few months.

Is there something wrong with me? I finally got what I wanted--being a stay at home mom--but now I am searching again for something. Hmmm...

I just read something encouraging about defragmenting our lives through prayer. That was just what I needed! I am blessed. It is time to start listing why (this exercise always makes me feel better!):

The sun is shining and the sky is blue. It's beautiful!

I have wonderful friends and a supportive family.

We joined the YMCA and it's awesome and has great childcare...although I'm pretty sure that is where James picked up the new bug!

I have found a church that seems to meet my needs and wants (and I'm very picky).

Two of my good friends have told me that they are throwing caution to the wind and hope to get pregnant!

I have a little boy who looks at me with love and trust. I don't know what I did to deserve that.

Finding my voice

2010-11-07T21:33:00.000-08:00

No, I am not searching for a cause or trying to find myself...I did plenty of that in my twenties. My voice is literally gone. I've got that bug that everyone has and it took away my voice. Now, those of you who have known me forever know that this is definitely a challenge for me. For my newer friends, I was nicknamed "magpie" as a child because I chatted incessantly. Our house was eerily quiet today and all three of us were home! It's like someone has turned off the ceaseless radio in my head. It's kinda weird. My thoughts have no place to go but to stay inside, so they have just calmed down a bit. I am beginning to like it...

Anyway. Have I mentioned I love being a mommy? I had some fun mommy moments this week.

Mommy Moment #1:
I stripped James down for his bath and stood him up on his changing table, buck naked and started moving him around, "dancing". What does my main squirt do? He let 'er rip and peed everywhere while he was dancing. A golden arc in the nursery. Now someday I'll have to tell him that is not the way to dance with a girl.

Mommy Moment #2:
So I'm rushing around to make it to Weight Watchers on time last Thursday. I am still taking James with me. Note the "still". It is conditional.

In order to get out of the house faster, I set him in his jumperoo,which he absolutely loves and which will occupy him for a good 20 minutes. By the way, Tim and I call the Jumperoo the "Parents Sex Toy". Think about it. Anyway, I'm almost out the door and I hear that unmistakable poot poot poot of a dirty diaper in the making. This is really bad timing. Because you see, when he is in his Jumperoo, his diapers always leak out the leg hole and down his leg.

We have cream colored carpet.

Well, as you can imagine, poop ALL OVER THE CARPET. I am so late now. So I think, well I'll leave him there for two more minutes while I put this in the car. Mistake. Huge mistake. Of course he enthusiastically--with a giggle, I swear--jumps in his poop over and over again during those two minutes and grinds it into the carpet.

The cream colored carpet.

I, Kate Smith, am an expert stain getter-outter.

Mommy Moment #3:
Fifteen minutes later, I am headed to Weight Watchers (only 15 minutes late!). I only lost .2 lbs and of course I expected 3 lbs. James is learning that his voice is really cool and doesn't care who hears it or when. And, he of course chose to be extremely vocal at the meeting. So I decided to leave because I couldn't quiet him down and he was very disruptive. I picked up my purse and the keys and rattles attached to it jingle-jangled and rattled. Then I had to adjust the car seat, which squeaked. All the while James is making cute but very loud baby sounds. The meeting actually STOPPED to look at us. They were kind but I rushed out red in the face.

Guess where I rushed next? To the dentist. To actually allow someone to torture me inside of my mouth.

Did I mention this was all before noon? And it was possibly one of the better days of my life. I smile every time I think about it.

That is what is so cool about being a mommy. Every moment counts. Every smile and kind word encourages and teaches. Every time I want to scream but remember to take a deep breath, pray for grace, and go to my child with a smile is fundamentally important to this small person who God actually trusts me with.

What the heck was he thinking?

Sweet Pea

2010-11-01T11:12:00.000-07:00

It's been 5 months since "The Big Change" and high time to start blogging & posting pictures!

James was a sweet pea for Halloween and of course, I thought he was the cutest thing ever.

He said "Dada" last week. It was pretty touching to see Tim's reaction. James is talking, playing, learning and growing so fast. It's so fun.

Every day is awesome. Even the days when he is up every hour through the night. Like last night. Oh, teething.

But, I am so grateful for this time with my sweet little guy. It's irreplaceable.

Tim is working in Yakima Monday through Friday until December-ish. It gets lonely around here but thank goodness for my support circle! I have an awesome group of family and friends.

Well I guess I should go for a run. Maybe in a little bit. Where did my motivation go? It ran away & hid at 3 a.m., 4 a.m., 5 a.m., 6 a.m., 7 a.m....and I still haven't found it. Sheesh.

Giving it a go...

2010-08-03T15:04:00.000-07:00

I am going to try to write a quick albeit insightful abstract of labor-delivery-birth-postpartum-parenthood.

Although I am still a proponent of natural childbirth, labor pain is truly excruciating towards the end. I will never regret my decision, however, I was not prepared for how badly the latter part of labor would hurt.

Pushing, while still very painful, is an amazing experience that I actually enjoyed. Feeling my baby come out, feeling his hairy head, having the midwife tell me to "take my baby onto my chest"...it will always bring tears to my eyes.

However I have had a hard time separating my labor & delivery from what happened next. James was born with a lung infection. He was blue and had his eyes not been wide open, I would have thought him dead. As it was, we all thought he was going to die. To spare my emotions I won't go into detail, but he spent 10 days in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit at Sacred Heart and under their excellent care, made a full recovery. I'm not sure mom and dad have fully recovered yet, or ever will.

It is a new place, a new kind of pain, to not know whether your son is going to live. I pray we never have to face it again in our lifetime. I hope we both die before our child does.

Then, he came home and the sleep deprivation started. I can't say much about the initial postpartum because I never really experienced any depression once he came home. My emotions were spent during the ten days at the hospital.

Oh, but I loved being a mom immediately. I love nursing and gazing into those big alert eyes.

I think the only postpartum depression I have experienced was at about 6-7 weeks after a weekend away from home when James wouldn't sleep. I was exhausted and he was fussy. After a particularly difficult day, my husband told me, "You need to spend a day with your mom." So I did. I unloaded all of my emotions and fears on my mom who gently and thoughtfully made me understand that I am normal, I am not crazy, and I am a good mom. I love my mom endlessly.

Now, at about 10 weeks, I am feeling great. My son is sleeping better, nursing well, smiling and cooing. He's pretty great.

My marriage, although faced with a scary situation that no parent wants to face, has come out stronger, wiser and closer. The romance hasn't died, either! Whew!

I'm running regularly and after a lot of consideration, quit my job. This, although a huge adjustment, has reduced our stress level. Well, my stress level anyway. We'll have to tighten our belts but we can do it.

Did I mention that I love being a mom? I am overcome with how much I fall in love with James every day. My husband falls in love with him more everyday, and while our marriage is treading the unknown waters of parenthood, we still love, have fun, and enjoy each other with our new addition.

I wish...

2010-08-03T08:50:00.001-07:00

I had more time to write in my blog. Life is just so full of wonder.

Blessed!

2010-07-28T13:27:00.000-07:00

It's not Tuesday, nor am I a "10 for Tuesday" participant, but I have limited time, so here's some quick updates!

1) My sweet little guy slept for a four hour stretch last night, which means that I slept for a three hour stretch. I am so thankful and feel very rested!
2) I think my husband and I were finally able to reconnect. Having a baby redefines marriage.
3) Thankfully, I am less grumpy with my sweet husband. (See #2).
4) James is napping by himself in his own room in a bassinette that he doesn't usually sleep in. Pretty soon I hope to move him in there permanently.
5) He is smiling, cooing and almost laughing. It makes up for the sleepless nights.
6) He can roll over if he is on a slight incline. He's always really surprised when he does that and his eyes get really big.
7) I swapped my 40-hour/week job at EWU for my 24 hours/day job at home. It was a tough decision. My boss was amazing, supportive and offered me a possible leave of absence. That is truly flattering.
8) I have mixed feelings about staying home. I know it's the right decision, but I have always found my identity in my job. Now my identity has extremely changed and it is an adjustment. I think I will go back to work eventually, but want at least the first year home with James.
9) Yesterday I ran 3.6 miles without stopping. It was hella hard, but I kept thinking about my labor and delivery. If I can go through 20 hours of that, I can run 3.6 miles, dammit! It was really tough but boy, was I in a great mood afterward.
10) I am truly blessed with friends. I ordered 75 birth announcements and that is barely enough.
11) I am (still) in love with my wonderful husband. He is so good to us. We are still adjusting, but I feel that I am living a very blessed life
12) My sweet little nieces are getting baptized this Sunday. I am so proud of them!

Signing off! Gotta get dinner going!

Hard

2010-07-24T08:32:00.000-07:00

Being a mom is hard. But lately, being a nice wife on a few hours of sleep is harder. God give me the strength...

And, I've lost my camera. I am so sad. No more pictures until I find it or buy a new one...

Today we are taking a scenic train ride up by Ione with some friends. I'm looking forward to it (as long as I don't snooze through the whole thing...)

Busy life!

2010-07-18T22:32:00.000-07:00

I love being a mom. It's really tough but incredibly rewarding. Every time he smiles and coos at me, it makes me completely forget the sleepless night I just had...

This weekend James went to his first music festival and on a pretty hike with us near Moscow. We had so much fun...I love family outings (and I really miss Moscow)!

This is for Terah

2010-06-21T15:27:00.000-07:00

Notice the overalls. Aren't they cute? A dear friend passed them along to me...

I am happier than I have ever been. I am also quite tired, but every time I gaze into those big eyes my fatigue is replaced by unspeakable joy.

Welcome Home Little Buddy

2010-06-07T13:12:00.000-07:00

He's got his daddy's head, hair, forehead, eyebrows and eyes. He's got his mommy's chin, for sure. He's a hungry little bear who rarely cries (so far) and who sleeps in two to three hour intervals. He makes a lot of grumpy faces in his sleep. He is our little shining star.

Homeward Bound

2010-06-05T23:25:00.000-07:00

We bring him home tomorrow.
I am filled with JOY!

Every day....

2010-05-31T23:45:00.001-07:00

with Baby James is a blessing. I thank God everyday for giving him to us.

Wings Like Eagles

2010-05-25T09:45:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning after 6 hours of sleep and was exhausted but got up anyway. My husband told me to go back to bed. I told him no. I got a drink of water, remarked at how terribly bad my hips and pelvis hurt, and then went back to bed and burst into tears. I think it was another "pregnancy moment".

Then a favorite Bible verse, Isaiah 40:31, popped into my head and I fell into a peaceful, restful and dreamless sleep:

Yet those who wait for the Lord will renew their strength;
They will soar with wings like eagles;
They will run and not get tired;
They will walk and not grow weary.

I especially love the first line. "Those who wait on the Lord will renew their strength." I really needed that this morning in order to face another day of soreness, too few contractions, fatigue and waiting. I feel like my strength really is renewed. I plan on reciting that to myself over and over again until little James is here, and probably many, many times after he is here, too.

Musings: Day 1 Past "Due Date"

2010-05-24T07:43:00.000-07:00

My beautiful nephew Harvey met the world on Friday May 21st, and I am so happy that my son will be blessed with a cousin so close in age. As soon as he was born, I really started wanting to meet James even more.

May 23rd, yesterday, is my mother-in-law's birthday and her father's (husband's grandfather's) birthday. It was also my due date. I wanted little James to join us so bad yesterday!

I drank a ton of raspberry leaf tea. I walked for hours. I did pelvic tilts. Nothing. Sure, it causes some pretty intense contractions but nothing regular or frequent.

My mother-in-law, who is here visiting from Arkansas, graciously says that little James just wants his own birthday. I say that being half Peterson and half Smith, he is bound to be extremely independent. (Dear Lord please help me.)

This waiting just solidifies the lifelong lesson that I can't control everything...and that my tendency to try to control things is being thrown to the wind with this child. It's tough but I really like it.

I can't sleep normally, although I most certainly nap well :)

So, today is my first day of maternity leave. I kissed Tim goodbye and as I locked the door behind him, I sincerely looked forward to my first day as a housewife. It's three months off and then back to work, but I am really looking forward to it. I love taking care of my house and my family. And being able to nap!

It's a weird feeling though. For seven years I have pretty much been self-sufficient and worked mostly non-stop, with only a weekend between jobs and a couple of vacations.

I am truly blessed with my husband, who is so in love with me and the baby. It's evident he wants only the best for us and he's been so selfless lately. He makes me laugh and calms me when I have a "pregnancy breakdown" and I cannot count the times per day he tells me I am beautiful or he loves me.

I am deeply thankful.

Big James, Little James and My 44 Inch Belly

2010-05-13T20:58:00.000-07:00

This picture is one of my favorites even though I look terribly swollen! We can't wait to meet the little man.

And I've got to throw this one in of my brother and Tim. That's their way of sympathizing....

They are good men but have no idea what it's like to carry their sons...Gotta love 'em!

44 Inches!!!

2010-05-11T18:34:00.000-07:00

I arrived home, ravenous and having to rush to the bathroom, as usual. I don't know why but it seems like anytime I need to use the bathroom, I have a contraction. I don't know if having a contraction makes me feel like I need to go potty or if going potty gives me a contraction.

Anyway, after I stood up, rush started. My tummy became as hard as a rock and it was mildly uncomfortable, but I've been having these light waves all day...about every 50 minutes or so. Nothing to really notice, even. This one sure did come on strong though. I breathed through it and all was well. A little lying on the floor, petting my cat, and no big deal. Just practice!

Well, there on the floor, I got the great idea to measure my stomach. I am at 38 weeks and 2 days. The last measurement I took of myself and wrote down was April 21st, 2009. This was just over a year ago and right before I ran my first half-marathon, so I was in pretty good shape. My waist was 30 inches on that date. Today, my waist is a glorious, beautiful and healthy 44 inches! 14 inches in a year and it will probably grow more!

Why this huge tummy makes me feel giddy, I couldn't say. Except maybe that I am thrilled that I will be meeting my little boy in just days.

When we first found out we were having a boy, unmistakeably a boy, we were both surprised. We were definitely not disappointed, but I think that the idea of having a girl was easier for me to identify with. Now, I cannot imagine having anything but a boy. Blue jeans, faded overalls, tee-shirts, sweatshirts, big appetites, mischievousness, dirt, loving his mama, emulating his daddy. I just can't wait to meet him. I hope the ultrasound is correct...if not, I'm sure a baby girl will look great in blue. :)

My husband has gone back to archaeology, which means weekends and holidays off! Unfortunately it also means weekdays away from home. He will be gone steadily Monday through Friday. This makes for restful sleep because I get all the pillows and the whole bed. But that's the only upside. He's about four hours away and nervous about making it back home in time when labor starts. I have faith though. It will work out.

I haven't blogged much lately because the third trimester is much more difficult than I imagined it would be, but it is much more fun, too. I love it. I love watching his little butt move from one side to another and feeling a little hand reach out. I love the baby hiccups. I love washing and folding his clothes. I am actually looking forward to his delivery, both the good and bad.

Let's pray that he doesn't come too late.

Pregnancy: Best and Worst Things

2010-04-21T13:37:00.000-07:00

I am 35 weeks, 3 days pregnant. This means that in a mere 4 1/2 weeks I am going to be a mom. That completely freaks me out and makes me really fulfilled at the same time. The longer I am pregnant, the more I believe that pregnancy is about juxtaposition.

Three Worst Things about being preggers:
1. Foot pain. It's the most painful of everything for me.
2. Dealing with the physical changes.
3. Hormones.

Three Best Things about being preggers:
1. Watching the husband fall in love with the son.
2. Feeling the baby kick, twirl and move. It's so amazing.
3. Feeling the power, potential and fulfillment of my female body and what it is designed to do.
3+. I'll admit it, I like all the attention too! Baby showers rock!
3++. Breasts, a definite bonus.

I literally fell into a hole today.

2010-04-16T15:01:00.000-07:00

Today started out so well. The sun is shining, it's warm outside, and I'm wearing a tank top, capris and birkenstocks.

I felt energetic and "light".

My feet didn't hurt and weren't swollen.

I slept well last night (for being 8 1/2 months pregnant).

Then...

I discovered two major mistakes I made on student budgets at work, and now because of my mistake, the students will either owe back some money or not have any for summer term. Understandably, students get pretty upset about this so I am a bit stressed about it.

Then...

We have a very rigid schedule at work. If I am scheduled to take my lunch break at a certain time and then miss it, my oversight messes up the whole schedule for the day. Think domino effect on all of my co-workers. So guess what I did? I was supposed to take lunch at noon, and while working on the above, I completely forgot to take my lunch. I was reminded at 12:50 and got out for about ten minutes. Just wonderful on this lovely day when I should have been soaking up sunshine for an hour.

Then...

I was walking (waddling?) in the sunshine, talking on my cell phone to the vacuum manufacturer representative about replacing some vacuum parts. She had a lovely British accent that helped me relax. As I spoke with her, I saw a friend and turned to wave at her. So picture this: Talking, waddling, waving and looking behind me as I walk forward. This is far too much multi-tasking for a pregnant lady (well for pregnant Kate anyway). I fell right into a hole. I didn't fall down, literally, but surprised stepped into a hole that was about 2 feet deep. It was actually pretty funny. The university should cover that up before somebody sues!

Then...

My feet have blown up. My birkenstocks are actually tight on my feet!

Well, the day's not over yet, but for now, I have my feet up, I am nursing my wounds and ego with a strawberry yogurt parfait and looking forward to my baby shower tomorrow.

Thank God it's Friday!

Finding Joy in Broken Feet

2010-04-11T10:10:00.000-07:00

I think I just ate all of my daily Weight Watcher points in breakfast alone. I'm obviously not counting points while pregnant, but it occurred to me that one of my favorite things about being pregnant is I can eat two eggs, a chicken sausage and and English muffin with peanut butter and not feel guilty about. Not. One. Bit. Little James needs the protein and sure I'll have a lot to lose, but I feel healthy so what does it really matter? Quite a big change from the first tri-mester isn't it.

Getting this nursery together has been taking all of my weekend time. I have spent the last three or four weekends working on it. It's almost done! I have all of the clothes washed and will put them away sometime this week. I still need to figure out what to put on the walls but I think it's looking pretty good!

All of the baby stuff that I've collected was waiting in our downstairs "craft" room. At one time it was a craft room, then it had all of our skis in it, then the treadmill, then all the baby stuff...it had a short life as a craft room. I've moved all the baby stuff out and into the nursery or around the house, cleaned it out totally, and we'll put our spare trundle bed down there. It's been a big job, but it's worth it.

I would consider that nesting. But the cleaning hasn't started yet. I'm really anticipating deep cleaning but I'm plumb worn out. I stayed home sick from work due to insomnia, aches, swelling everything, random contractions...you name it. I felt terrible on Friday and laid around with my feet up most of the day. Yesterday I felt better but still had to stop to take breaks and rest (and catch up on phone calls!).

I am still convinced that this is my favorite trimester, even though when I stand up my feet feel like they are breaking. Watching and feeling James move and wiggle and hiccup and shake is so amazing. I love this little guy in a way I didn't understand fully before. The other night when he moved I could make out a distinctive knee. I can't wait to hold him and nurse, and watch how his daddy reacts when he is born.

Prayer, hiccups and ... poop?

2010-04-07T10:26:00.000-07:00

Blogging is a lot like praying for me. I tend to pray only when I want to complain about something or when I'm extremely thankful for something.

Easter Sunday at my parents' church and old friend who hasn't seen me pregnant yet said to me, "I wish I looked that good not pregnant!" I gave her a huge hug and told her I loved her. Some women just really get it.

Last night I spent way too much money on a few essentials from Babies R Us. I knew better. I knew I could find it cheaper or wait to use a coupon. Or buy it second-hand. But I didn't. And $45 later I dreaded going home to face the husband...and of course the argument ensued. And now I'm taking it all back and rebuying portions of it with a coupon that we have.

This morning he sleepily told me, "You are the wife I always dreamed for. You are not only hot normally but you are hot pregnant too." That sort of made my day :)

Another thing that has made my day are my baby's hiccups. He is getting so big and my belly is lopsided depending on what side he prefers on any given day. This morning he got the hiccups. A rhythmic tiny spasm moving my belly, lasting for about 3 minutes. Isn't that a marvel. He's really in there and he's really got the hiccups.

Last night Tim proudly reported that he not only started but read four chapters in a birth book I asked him to read. I admit, I was surprised. Then later he grinned at me and said, "I read today that the baby poops in the amniotic fluid and then breathes it in, hee hee."

Seriously.

Cat's in the Cradle

2010-03-31T08:29:00.000-07:00

I don't see my husband much these days with his new job. We are very thankful for the job, but the hours are definitely hard on him and on us. So, when we do see each other, there is usually a short, happy reunion with a big hug and lots of belly rubs. I think he misses the baby too.

Lately, each time he leaves for work and I kiss him goodbye, he has begun kissing my belly and saying, "I love you baby" (to little James).

My heart melts every time.

32 weeks and .... ugh.

2010-03-30T10:00:00.000-07:00

Yesterday,

My feet felt like I just ran a half-marathon.

I felt so puffy and swollen as though I've been eating crappy Chinese food with MSG for the last three days in a row, but you can't see the puffiness.

My legs ached from the top all the way to the bottom like I have the flu, but I don't.

I was so sore, like I did a really tough work out two days ago (yeah, right!).

I was as tired as I normally am after coming home from a 20 hour flight from Europe.

Apart from all of that, this is still the best tri-mester yet. My belly moves oddly, I can feel his little feet, cup his little bottom, and he reacts so strongly to me and Tim.

Last night the cat bit me because I quit petting him and began rubbing my belly more. I sense trouble brewing.

(32 weeks, 3 days)

Ticklish Feet like Mama?

2010-03-18T13:54:00.000-07:00

I have so much to be thankful for! Little James has turned, he is no longer breech. That is a relief and let's hope he doesn't turn again.

Also, when I was sitting at my desk at work, I started poking around my tummy, feeling for his back and bum and feet. I felt a distinct little foot! And when I touched it, he kicked with his other foot! Ticklish?

I am really enjoying the third trimester, more than either of the previous trimesters. It is becoming so real.

It was an itsy bitsy teeny weeny...

2010-03-16T16:26:00.001-07:00

The strangest thing happened last night. I went to the gym for my water aerobics class and squeezed into that teeny weeny bikini. I must say that the top fits better and looks much nicer these days. However….the bottoms are tighter around the hips, thighs and butt. I had to triple check that not too much “cheek” was hanging out before I went to the pool.

Anyway, after I snuggled into the bottoms, I turned and caught my reflection in one of the bit locker room mirrors. And you know what? I really liked what I saw. My big old belly was hanging out, my butt, hips and thighs are thicker, and in general I’m a lot rounder and curvier. It looked great—I’m not saying that I looked fantastic in a bikini, not by any means! But for the first time I really, truly appreciated how and why my body has changed and what a miracle and blessing it is for my body to be in this state.

I am very grateful and hope to always find it in me to look at that bikini reflection with an appreciative eye!

Today….well, I just feel really, really big. And I’m only 30 weeks. Sigh.

(30 weeks, 2 days)

Bradley Childbirth Classes: Exercise and Nutrition

2010-03-12T15:51:00.000-08:00

We have chosen to give birth in a birth center that offers no pain medication and along with that, we are taking Bradley Method Childbirth classes. It is a 12-week class that coaches husbands to be doulas, essentially. So far it has been interesting and fun to meet the other couples. Well I thought it was interesting and Tim thought it was boring and a little too "hippy". Ask me if I’m surprised. But, he is going to be a great doula. He really loves this baby and the baby mama.

Also, these classes recommend increasing protein and calcium (not rocket science, I know). The interesting thing is that they recommend four servings of milk products per day, which is very difficult because as someone who hates milk and is (was?) a lifer Weight Watcher, I never drink milk and (used to) rarely eat cheese. Boy has that changed! I eat two cheese sticks a day, drink about two glasses of milk and have some yogurt. It’s crazy how much I crave the calcium and have very little trouble eating all that.

They also recommend eating two eggs per day. One per day is definitely not a problem because I LOVE hard-boiled eggs! Tim’s coworker lives on a small farm in Athol and they sell their farm eggs to us for $2/dozen. They are not organic but they are healthy, happy chickens who are fed scraps instead of feed. These have got to be the most nutritious and yummiest eggs I have ever had in my life! The downside to two eggs a day (I’m not quite there yet) is th gas. Well, you can image! We go through three dozen eggs every two weeks and that’s without baking!

Let’s just say I am always too full with all that protein and calcium!

According to Dr. Bradley, one of the best exercises for pregnancy are pelvic tilts (Cat/Cow for yoga fans), and they help breech babies turn. So I’m pumping those out to get my baby's head down!

And the big blessing of the week: WATER AEROBICS! Through my husband’s job, we get a family gym membership for $20/month and no start-up fees. Amazing deal! The gym is very near our house and they offer water aerobics classes. It was a bit of a confidence struggle to squeeze into my bikini, over which I put a lycra maternity cami, but the class is so non-threatening. There are all shapes, sizes and ages, and all of the women were absolutely delighted to talk about my baby. It was so much fun. I can’t wait until the next time!

(29 weeks, 6 days)

Cousins

2010-03-11T12:51:00.000-08:00

I just love this picture of my sister-in-law, my mom, and me. My sister-in-law is having a boy and is due on May 22nd, and I'm having a boy and am due May 23rd. How lucky are those boys?

Nobody Ever Told Me…

2010-03-10T13:15:00.000-08:00

About this pubic pain. Holy crap! It hurts!

Hard to describe, it’s a bit like pressure down there right before your period or pressure right before you have to go #2 (yeah, gross, I know). One day it hurt so bad that I just had to sit down with my feet up! This is the separating of the pubic bone to make it wider for the baby to pass through as well as the pressure of the baby’s weight and uterus on the pubic bone. It's perfectly normal, but unless you know about it, you think you have a crushed pelvis or something.

Another thing nobody talks about…and yes, I’m going to…is how hard it is to wipe after going to the bathroom! It’s impossible to reach from the front to get a good wipe. Reaching from the back is equally as hard, so there must be a happy medium and I intend to find it. Not to mention squatting over a public toilet. My goodness that is not easy.

Yet another thing…shaving. Hello?! How the heck are you supposed to trim your kootchy when you can’t see it and can’t bend over to see it? Sheesh. I have figured out a good, albeit slightly dangerous, trick with a mirror but I am sure my coiffure is not great!

The Next Fred Astaire

2010-03-10T13:05:00.000-08:00

This little guy is tap dancing on my bladder with such intensity I believe he wants to become a dancer of some sort (to his daddy’s dismay!). I can’t believe the frequency with which I make trips to the restroom. It is almost embarrassing at work, but at least they all know it’s the pregnancy. However, I have to say that I slept through the night last night, which is the first time in awhile. I was so exhausted that I was in tears as I kissed Tim goodnight and as soon as I hit the pillow, I fell into a dreamless, black sleep for a full seven hours. This pregnancy thing is exhausting. How on earth do mothers of toddlers do it?

I think it’s so exhausting lately because he is putting on all of his “baby fat” and moving around constantly. The 20lbs that I gained seems to be moving from my other parts of my body right to my tummy. I am hungrier and craving anything with protein and calcium. I look down at my belly and see a poke here, a flutter there, a rolling there. It’s so awesome...and weird, too. I have a little human in there! What an amazing miracle and blessing to be able to grow a little human, regardless of how uncomfortable he makes me!

Speaking of little James in motion…he moves constantly but unfortunately he is still breech. According to my midwife, about 14% of babies are still breech at 28 weeks and at 40 weeks, only about 4% remain breech. So chances are that he will turn in his own good time. The independence has begun! I am not too worried about this, but certain members of my family (which will remain unnamed, husb..ahem) are a little freaked out about it. Personally they should just keep it to themselves to avoid stressing out the pregnant lady! No need to worry until it’s necessary!

(29 weeks, 3 days)

Reviews: BE Band, body pillows and maternity jeans

2010-02-21T10:41:00.000-08:00

I wish I were at church this morning; my spirit needs it!! But I was so sleepy and slept 9 1/2 hours straight! I should be doing dishes, folding laundry, checking the stove, making Tim a huckleberry pie (his belated Valentines gift....). Instead I'm blogging.

Speaking of Valentine's Day gifts, mine was a body pillow. There are specialty body pillows made for pregnancy that are in the shape of an elongated "C", that some women swear by. One of my friends claims that she would not have made it through her pregnancy without it. (We don't really have a choice to "make" it through pregnancy, do we?) Anyway, I looked into it and it goes for $60. Hmm...these days I can think of many other things to spend $60 on, especially after the accident with a baby coming! Then again, I spent about $60 on new maternity jeans from Gap, so...it's all about priorities.

Anyway, I was even too cheap to buy myself a $10 body pillow from Target. I would use a pillow on my head, one between my knees, and a small blanket to cushion between belly and bed. It's not the most comfortable set-up, but it did work fairly well.

My new body pillow blows it all out of the water. I snuggle around it and hug it to fall asleep and it supports back, hip, belly and those darn arms that get in the way and ache while sleeping on my side. It's absolutely heavenly. I 100% recommend at least spending $10 at Target for a body pillow. I don't know how I lived without it. What a thoughtful gift!

Although Tim told me that he would return it to the store if I don't cuddle with him anymore. That big old belly sure gets in the way of cuddling with your spouse though!

The BE Band by BellaBand was an item that I purchased early in pregnancy and was possibly the best $18 I spent. Many veteran preggos recommended this item to me. It allowed me to wear my regular clothes through about month 5 1/2.

The best way to describe the BE Band is to imagine a pair of maternity pants with the big belly panel. Cut off the big stretchy panel and you have the BE Band. Basically, you can begin to wear it whenever you grow out of the rubber band trick. You unbotton or unzip your pants to a place where they are comfortable around your expanding waistline and put the BE Band over the top of your pants. It keeps your pants on and comfortable around your waist.

The only thing to watch for with the BE Band is that sometimes while it fits snugly over your belly, it will separate from your jeans in the back a little, showing some skin at your rear waistline. If your pants are unzipped far enough, you may chance some plumber pants.

Otherwise, this item is the best thing I bought during early pregnancy.

Finally, I'd like to review pregnancy pants. I have several pairs that were either loaned to me, bought at consignment or the one pair I splurged on. Some women can wear the small stretchy band type pregnancy jeans throughout the whole pregnancy and some can use the BE Band throughout the entire pregnancy. I am not one of those women.

I have the following brands of pregnancy pants: Motherhood corderoys, Old Navy lightweight capris and jeans, one pair Gap black pants and three pair of Gap jeans. I know this sounds like a lot, but most of these were loaned to me; I only bought two pair of all of these new. Everything else is either loaned or second-hand. Hands down, the Gap and Old Navy brands fit me the best and are the cutest style.

Somehow Gap can take maternity and turn it into something oh, so cute! From months 2-5 1/2, I lived in a pair of borrowed, small stretch band Gap jeans. Then one day James just kicked and fussed all day because the band was too tight on him, so I went shopping.

Never go shopping with a girlfriend who loves Gap. You will leave the sore with more than you intended.

Also, never, ever buy full price at Gap if at all possible. Maternity pants there are ridiculoulsy expensive! My new dark blue panel jeans were priced at $69.99! Now, I understand that for a good pair of jeans, sometimes you do have to spend a little. But $70??? No way, not for this middle income gal with purchases adding up, baby on the way, a mortgage to pay and state jobs in a state with lots of budget problems. So I was able to get them at a reduced price of about $50. Still pretty spendy but oh, so worth it. I wear them about 4 days a week and I feel "pretty" in them. I feel like a curvy girl and not a big blob.

The other recommendation I'd make is to look on Craigslist for other gals selling maternity clothes. I've gotten some really cute, brand name items from Craigslist.

Well it's time to get to that huckleberry pie. I know, you are all jealous! I can't wait to take this baby huckleberry picking!

26 weeks, 6 days

2010-02-20T21:43:00.000-08:00

Here's a photo of me at 26 weeks. My sister-in-law says I look tiny but all of the gals at work say they can't believe how big he is getting. My husband and I compared last night whether my tummy or my butt were bigger. Carefully weighing his words, he stated that that my tummy is bigger. He knew the wrong answer meant death.

He is still alive.

I don't really care as long as lil' Jimmy is healthy and stays in there!

R.I.P Sentra

2010-02-16T14:06:00.000-08:00

Rejoice

2010-02-16T14:03:00.000-08:00

With every tiny kick, roll and flutter I rejoice. My baby is still inside! His heart is strong and the placenta is still intact! The contractions seem to have stopped and for the moment I am not entering pre-term labor again. I am overcome by gratitude that this child, so intimately loved, is thriving inside. I fall to my knees and thank God that he chose me to carry this child and bear this responsibility and has guided Tim and me through this ordeal.

I am incredibly grateful for my husband. He has barely left my side. He did not show his concern in the hospital; he chose to remain calm and reassuring, which is what I needed most. He slept by my side and went over every decision and implication with me. He has made sure that I can rest and relax at home. He constantly looks for reassurance by touching my belly every time baby James kicks. He tells the baby to "stay in there and be good." He left for work and told me to "Keep that baby in there and stay big and gorgeous." I fall to my knees and thank God for leading me to the man so perfectly designed for me.

I am so grateful for my parents, who were a constant presence for the last four days. Their love and selflessness for me overwhelms me. My mom drove me around to appointments, cleaned, cooked, provided us with meals, vacuumed and lent me her company without thought to her own life and responsibilities. My dad made numerous hour-long trips between my home and theirs to make sure all of my needs were met. He helped my husband whenever necessary. He even took my cat to his hair appointment...if you knew my cat, you would understand that when it's time to be shaved, he really must be shaved. I fall to my knees and thank God for my amazing parents. I can only hope to become a shred of the parents to baby James that they have been to me.

I am so grateful for the emergency personnel, doctors, nurses and midwives involved in helping me through this. I have had wonderful care at Holy Family and my midwife has been dependable and knowledgeable. I even got to sit in a fire truck with firemen while they took my pulse and blood pressure. That was fun!

I am grateful that I am not having regular contractions for the moment and that my cervix is nice and thick. I do not need to go on bed rest. Thank God for that.

I am so grateful for the love, prayers and support that I received from all of you. Your prayers carried me and Tim through during our stay at the hospital. I literally felt the encouragement and blessings flowing down on us.

I am so entirely grateful for the 20+ pounds I have gained throughout this pregnancy. There is a purpose to and my baby was protected by those extra pounds. I am so very thankful that I gained weight that protected him through the accident.

In conclusion, I want to share that for the first time, I have experienced what truly selfless motherly love is. After the first impact, my airbags went off and then a second later I was impacted very hard from behind. I screamed and said, "My baby!" I grabbed my belly and unbuckled my seat belt. I got out of my crumpled pile of metal and the only thought I had was whether baby James was ok. Not once did I think about whether I was ok. Not once did I think about what could have happened to me. Not once did I consider whether I had any injuries. It wasn't important and I didn't matter. I only cared about protecting my child. It is amazing and eye-opening to experience selfless love. I never thought it existed in humans, but now I know that it can.

(26 weeks, 2 days)

Quick update

2010-02-13T11:18:00.000-08:00

I'm very thankful to be at home and in my own bed. Thank you to everyone who prayed for me and the baby and kept us in your thoughts. My car is totaled and I'm very sore and weak. The contractions have pretty much stopped thanks to the wonderful care at Holy Family. Baby James is ok and moving around like crazy to reassure us. Tim hasn't left my side and won't let me do anything but rest, thank goodness. Please continue to pray that I don't start going into pre-term labor again. I'm overwhelmed by and so thankful for your love, prayers and support. It really helped me get though this and stay calm.

Here's the newslink to the accident:
http://www.krem.com/news/slideshows/8-car-pile-up-blocks-eastbound-I-90-for-an-hour-84191112.html

A Blessing and a Curse

2010-02-11T09:31:00.000-08:00

Monday was the first day that I can say beyond a doubt that I love being pregnant! Something good happened in me when I reached the 6 month milestone. This wee acrobat is twirling, responding to his daddy, kicking really hard and fluttering all over inside. It’s so amazing and I already know I will miss the movements after he is born.

I’m falling really, really hard for this little guy. I am so in love with him. I spend so much time staring at my tummy and the crazy movements it makes. I love many of the ways he has changed my relationship with Tim already. I love watching Tim fall in love with him. I can’t wait to hold him in my arms and just stare at him forever.

One of the more surprising things about this pregnancy is that I’ve fallen more deeply in love with my husband on a new level. Despite the challenges it has presented us, I’m becoming intimately acquainted with a side of Tim that I’ve never known, and my new dependence on him surprises me. I wouldn’t say I am becoming co-dependent, rather I am learning that I sincerely need him to help me and he needs certain new things from me. I’m learning to trust him even more than I already do.

Although…I’m not sure how much Tim trust me lately in some ways…let me explain.

I read yesterday that at around 6 months pregnant women notice a remarkable increase in clumsiness. I truly believe they were writing about me. An hour doesn’t go by that I don’t drop a pen, break a glass, drop food either on my tummy or on the floor, trip over nothing or run into something (usually stomach-first).

Well this morning my alarm went off at 5:45. I stretched and felt cozy, warm and amorous. I got up to run to the bathroom and then crawl back in bed with Tim for a few minutes of snuggling before work. It was very dark in our room and as I reached over toward him, I was so disoriented that I (quite dramatically) stabbed him straight in the right eye with my left thumb, whose thumbnail is long and strong. I didn’t just poke him in the eye. I literally stabbed him violently in the eye. I felt his eye indent like a semi-dry sponge as he abruptly woke from slumber and screamed, “Oh, my eye! You stabbed me in the eye!” He flipped on his lamp and blinked a few times, in what looked like an effort to make sure he could still see despite the damage. I apologized profusely to him, offering a cold washcloth or icepack.

He laid back down moaning and the next thing he uttered was, “I hope it doesn’t turn into a black eye.” Wouldn’t the other officers love to make fun of that!? I can already hear them: “Hey Smith, how’d ya get that black eye? Your wife beating up on you again?”

Then the next thing he said was, “Come snuggle.” Yeah, right! Like I wanted to snuggle then! I totally broke the mood. I was half crying because I felt so bad and half laughing my head off!

I got up and went into the bathroom to shower. As I entered the bathroom, I tripped on some invisible thing and fell against the wall adjoining the bedroom, making a loud crash. Then I tripped my way into the shower, dropped the soap, making a very loud echoing noise and then accidentally slammed the shower door. Did I mention this was all before 6 a.m.?

My cat, sensing danger, wanted to be let outside as soon as I left the bathroom.

Oh, the joys of living with your soulmate. I would not trade any moment that I’ve had with that man and hope he can say the same about me! I just really pray that I am not so clumsy with my infant son.

(25 weeks, 4 days)

Spunky Little James

2010-02-08T13:22:00.000-08:00

The crazy lady hasn’t reared her ugly head this week. Whew…She will probably be back to visit but I hope I can shut the door on her next time!

The other day on my break at work, I put my feet up and rested a book on my round basketball tummy and settled down to read. About ten minutes into it, little James decided that he did not appreciate having a book resting on his home. He mustered up a large kick and the book bounced on my tummy. It was so funny I laughed out loud. I guess he is a bit protective of his personal space…a lot like his mama in that regard and spunky like his daddy!

Later that night I was sound asleep in bed. Tim got home from a late shift and snuggled down next to me, rubbing on my belly as we chatted a bit about the day. Little James had been pretty quiet and sleep that evening, but all of a sudden, it was like little James recognized daddy’s touch and voice, and he gave several large, strong kicks all in a row. He was making himself known to daddy! And did Tim love it! It was pretty neat to see the two of them “communicating”.

I love this little boy and can’t wait to meet him. Apparently this week he is 13 ½ inches long and is getting hair. I hope he looks just like his dad.

From the heart of a wise woman...

2010-02-01T06:26:00.000-08:00

One of my friends and fellow mamas wrote this to me, and it has been on my breath as a prayer since. I decided to repost it as a blog (without permission!) as it has been such a source of encouragement to me:

"Your soul will recognize him the first time you hold him in your arms and gaze into his face. Half yourself and half the one you love, all wrapped up in a brand new being, and you will have a tiny glimpse of what it really means to Love. Just because he is, and for no other reason. And that is what will change you forever.

And while you will have to change your lifestyle and may have to give up a few things... You will do so joyfully because he will be worth more than the world to you.

I promise."

(24 weeks, 1 day)

Who IS this crazy woman anyway???

2010-01-28T21:59:00.000-08:00

I have waited a whole 24 hours to be able to write about this. It has taken me nearly that much time to calm down. This is where real honesty starts, ladies! So consider yourself warned--I'm putting myself out there and not holding back.

We all know that pregnancy brings on horrible hormones and brings out the crazy in all of us. I didn't know how bad it could get until last night. I'll spare my husband and not go into any nitty gritty details. Basically, it went something like this:

Tim: I'm thinking about....blah blah blah.
Kate (who did not choose her words wisely): Well (insert snotty inconsiderate remark here)!
Tim: Basically just angry about my comment and letting me know.

Anyway, the gist of it is that we got into it last night and this crazy woman completely overtook my brain and emotions. I turned into a blubbering, snotty, red-faced, coughing crybaby.

Now, I won't say that my feelings were wrong. I don't believe they were, but my method of delivery was poorly chosen and for that I stand guilty as charged.

A few things made me cry harder .Tim threw the washcloth into the sink and broke my new teapot. That made him feel terrible and made me cry harder. I ran into the bathroom to blow my snotty nose, took one look in that big old mirror of ours with bright hollywood lighting and saw how horrible my red puffy faced looked with all of my pregnancy pimples and bloodshot eyes and started crying so hard that I started coughing. Then, the coughing became so strong that it made me pee my pants! I am doing my daily kegels but they couldn't prevent that session of incontinence! Of course that made me utter (okay, loudly state) a profanity and I just got pissed.

It was a horrible night. Of course we made sure to end it well and lovingly, but I was still teary in the morning on my way to work. I just couldn't calm down! I can't seem to reign in these emotions lately. I wish I were more level headed. And I am concerned my craziness will affect little James.

Here's why I think I am so emotional:

1) I am tired because I am not sleeping well.
2) I am scared to not be able to provide everything this little guy needs and continue my duties at home at work.
3) I feel incredibly insecure about how my body is changing...the weight, the pimples, the waddling, the shortness of breath. I truly am amazed when I am all by myself and see the miracle of pregnancy in my belly reflected in the mirror. But these are private, unshared moments. These are the ones I need to focus on.
4) Frankly, I am scared that my husband will lose his attraction for me. Now, understand my friends, this is ridiculous and completely unfounded. He tells me I'm gorgeous and he loves touching my belly. He is so supportive and loving....in a "man" way, which is the best way he knows how. Men and women communicate differently and reach each others' needs in different manners. He doesn't understand my insecurity or blubbering craziness, and really, I shouldn't expect him to. That is what wise women are for...men react in their own, God-given way, and the way Tim handles me is exactly how he should handle me. God gave us each other for a purpose. I love that man very much.

So we went to my 24 week appointment today. He came along and my midwife asked me how things were going. I told her that last week I felt so good, healthy and pretty, and this week I feel terrible. It was difficult for me to tell her, especially in front of my husband, but I made myself open up about all of my insecurity and self-image issues and how I worried that it was affecting our baby. I even told her how I peed my pants coughing...hey, you've gotta have some humor right? We all got some laughs out of that.

I'm so glad I opened up to her. I have struggled with mild depression and anxiety in the past (most of us do!) and I think that it is important to go into this pregnancy and parenthood with complete honesty. This is who I am. This is what I struggle with. I know myself and my limits and know how to overcome them. I usually manage it quite well. It's just a lot harder during pregnancy.

Do you know what she suggested? She told me that I cannot weigh in regularly anymore. I am not to step on the scale at my appointments and Tim is to not allow me to get on any scales. She says that I take such good care of my health through exercise and nutrition that she is not concerned about weight gain. I will take the gestational diabetes test next month. At the end or if there are any problems, she will weigh me but I am not allowed to look at the number. I am absolutely thrilled with this idea! In a way, I feel that I am being freed from some bondage that I didn't know I had. Pregnancy is the right time to find freedom from bondage.

She also warned me that we need keep an eye on my postpartum emotional state. I completely agree and have spoken to Tim about this already. I don't expect any problems, but it is better to enter that time with awareness and honestly than with ignorance and shame.

It is not easy to write about these things because they are private and are not usually openly shared. By doing so I am allowing myself to be vulnerable. However, it is my hope that by sharing my experiences, fears and triumphs, some wise woman will learn that it is normal to feel like this and that other women go through these struggles and emerge triumphant.

The most amazing part of this is that I sincerely feel that something cracked open for me today. I feel some holy light...might I say grace? I am much happier and more relieved today. Maybe this is a lesson the good Lord is teaching me. I believe he has tried to teach me this throughout my whole life and perhaps now is the perfect time. I thank my husband for loving me.

Most of all, tonight I am able to look forward to the next adventure with confidence.

(25 weeks, 5 days)

Juxtaposition

2010-01-27T09:53:00.000-08:00

The other day someone backed into me in a parking garage. Later, when I called in to make a claim, the agent asked me if I was alone or if there was someone else in the car with me. I responded, “Well I wasn’t alone, I’m pregnant.” Despite all of the ups and downs inherent to pregnancy, there is a real sense of fulfillment when carrying a child. I don’t feel alone. When I miss my husband, I talk to my baby. When I lay down for bed, I read him books. When I’m annoyed with my job, he starts to kick around and fuss to remind me of the big picture.

I love and hate being pregnant. I love how my body looks standing before the mirror with that big old belly sticking out. I love having big jiggly breasts--they are pretty! But, I hate how it has changed my muscle tone and cardio level. I am filled with a newfound confidence that I’ve never experienced. I am in awe that my body is capable of such a miracle! I love how sexual pregnancy can be, but I hate the feeling of this new insecurity in regard to intimacy. I love the way my body absolutely craves what it needs, but hate how much I need to eat on certain days. I love mid-afternoon weekend naps but I hate how tired I am getting again.

There is no question however. I absolutely love this child. But, I fear him too. How will he change our marriage? How will he change my life and interests? How will he affect running? How can I be a good mom? How will I give this little one everything he deserves while managing my job and commute?
At times I am filled with insecurity, and then Tim will come up behind me and embrace both me and little James. He’ll rub on my belly and seem amazed by it. He will delight with each kick he can feel. He will tell me how his best friend told him, “It will completely change your life forever… and you are going to love it.”

(23 weeks, 3 days)

To satisfy curiosity...

2010-01-10T18:40:00.000-08:00

Clifford James Smith. Clifford was my grandfather's name and Tim's grandfather's name as well. We will call him "James" after his daddy and many others in the family.

(About 22 weeks)

Snips and snails and puppy dog tails

2010-01-10T09:05:00.000-08:00

We have chosen to take a non-interventionist approach to this pregnancy and birth. Meaning, choosing a midwife and birth center over a hospital, which means that no pain medication will be offered to me because is there is no pain medication, no diagnostic tests, no continuous fetal heart monitoring, eating and drinking allowed during pregnancy, several options for pain control, etc.

So when I researched ultrasounds and found that research on whether they are harmful to the baby is inconclusive, I stopped to really ask myself whether I wanted to get an ultrasound. Ultimately I decided that the inconclusive research is less important than making sure my baby is healthy and everything is functioning properly.

And I am so thankful we had the ultrasound on Friday. Seeing him move his hands and fingers, yawn and wiggle leaves us breathless. Knowing that he is a little boy is incredible and helpful. However, the most amazing part of the ultrasound is the sense of relief and relaxation that settled on me knowing that all is well. I was filled with peace. He has two legs and two arms. Two hands, two feet, ten fingers and ten toes. His brain is developing normally and the heart and stomach are in the right place. The curvature of the spine is normal. He is a normal, healthy, perfect little boy growing inside of me and moving around.

I am brought to my knees with gratitude.

(About 22 weeks)

Oh! The Congestion!

2010-01-04T15:59:00.000-08:00

Being sick while pregnant is no fun at all.

On Christmas eve my family celebrated with a potluck. Only a few days later we were all sick with very nasty head colds, chest colds, headaches, sore throats, wheezing coughs....you name it...all at the same time. I had to use two very precious paid leave days because of the darn thing. We've all been sick for about a week.

The thing is, most pregnant women avoid taking any medications while pregnant. I've found this very liberating...except for this past week. My midwife did tell me of one otc cold pill I could take and it helped, sort of. Anyway, being sick while pregnant really truly bites the big one.

So instead of focusing on negativity, I"m going to do Baby Huck a favor and list some good things::

1) My sister-in-law is having a boy!!!
2) My husband's cousin is having a little girl in May. I have only met her once but we have been corresponding weekly by email with pregnancy updates. Today she told me that she finally grew out of her regular pants...this makes me feel like I am right on track because even with the Bella Band I don't think I can keep wearing my regular pants for more than another month or so. My belly has offically popped and my butt is expanding.
3) We heard the baby's heartbeat again and it brought tears to my husband's eyes. Did I marry well or what?
4) That same man told me yesterday that I was "huge". Thanks a lot. Well, at least it didn't make me cry this time. Besides he has NO idea what is coming.
5) I finally, truly, have real boobs. I have grown out of my biggest bra. I could get used to this cleavage really fast! ...And I suspect that I will miss the girls when they are gone. I really like them. Sometimes they bump up against things and completely surprise me.
6) Friday is our ultrasound and we will hopefully find out the sex. I'm equally excited and scared. It will make this whole thing very real for us.
7) Baby Huck is moving around like crazy! Usually in the morning and evenings. It's truly divine.

(About 21 weeks)

Getting out of the car…

2009-12-15T14:11:00.000-08:00

…is getting more and more difficult…bending at the waist, not the knees, causes me to grunt…putting on my shoes takes a whole new effort…certain sex positions…well you get the picture! Seriously my tummy is not that big yet, considering what it will be, and already it’s challenging! Thank God that during my last two months I will be able to wear flip flops!

(About 18 weeks)

The Ride from Hell Riddled with Rude Comments

2009-12-15T12:29:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago, I felt strange carbonation-like bubbles in my tummy. This was definitely NOT gas or indigestion! It wasn’t in the right place and felt different than any movement I’ve felt before. I placed my hand on my tummy and realized that my baby was doing acrobatics! Later as I was stretched out on the couch nursing some nausea, my cat decided to sleep on my tummy. His extra pressure and warmth made the baby move again in rolling spurts. The best way I know to describe it this: imagine you are boiling polenta or cream of wheat and the grain is just starting to lob on roll. This is how it felt inside of my tummy, but very lightly.

Then last week I blindly jumped on the seemingly endless roller coaster ride called “Hormone Hell”. It’s not a fun ride and makes you think you are going insane. The first section is full of high peaks and low valleys. The first peak is called “Lowered Self Esteem” and then it plummets to the “I am SO fat” valley, then climbs again to the “ I’m not exercising enough” peak, and then to the low, low valley (below sea depth I think) called “My husband MUST find me unattractive”...Oh, it’s hell.
Then, in the bottom of that last valley I saw an acquaintance at the bus stop who overheard me talking about my pregnancy and she said, “Oh, are you expecting? I thought it looked like you had put on weight!” I was MORTIFIED! I went home and burst into tears while decorating the Christmas tree and sobbed to Tim about it. I believe I even threw an ornament across the living room and exclaimed, “Pregnancy SUCKS!”

He held me and the first thing he said, bless his heart, was “That crusty old bitch.” Then he said, “You know, you are pregnant, you are not fat. And, your belly is just going to get bigger.” He has said that to me numerous times but it finally sunk in (almost).
That night as I drifted in and out of restless pregnancy sleep, I turned onto my side and my hand was pressed onto my belly. A distinctive little kick near my belly button woke me, wide-eyed in wonderment, from slumber. And suddenly the roller coaster ride flattened into a peaceful, joyous drive throughout pregnancy.

It is all worth it.

(About 18 weeks)

Wise Women

2009-12-02T15:57:00.000-08:00

Jamie loaned me very cute Gap Maternity jeans that actually make me feel good when I wear them. Kandi loaned me maternity skirts, pants and dresses, numerous books, helped me get a great deal on an adorable baby swing, set me up with a great day care and her support and tips about being a working mom are priceless—and she’s my boss! Melissa is due May 22 and I’m due May 23rd. She is a 3rd time mom and every time I feel extra crampy, need advice on what baby will need, or just need comfort, she’s only five feet away at work. My sister-in-law is due May 20th and not only is she a great example of an excellent mama, we get to share these exciting and frustrating moments together and eventually raise our little ones side by side. My mom is excited and supportive, lets me go through my old baby clothes, tells me that there’s no way I’ve already gained 10 lbs and knows just when to not give me any more advice. My mother-in-law is a nurse and first-time grandma and her input is invaluable.

Before I became pregnant, I did not understand this strong bond between women who are mothers. Their experienced hearts have carried me through these first four months, eased my worries and fed my excitement. I am truly blessed to be surrounded by so many wise women.

(About 16 weeks)

My "In-y" is becoming and "Out-y"

2009-11-21T08:49:00.000-08:00

Many pregnancy books and wise women claim that they could not eat spicy food while pregnant. I imaging this must be due to indigestion in later pregnancy, because I crave really spicy food and eat it several times a week. Last night, after having Thai food for lunch, I was craving Thai food for dinner. At a new restaurant I tried wide-rice noodles with vegetables and fried tofu. Delicious! (But not spicy enough!). My tummy fills up very quickly these days so I did not eat it all, and it seems like whenever I become full, my belly just pops out a few more inches. Well, we arrived home and I was rubbing my tummy and as my fingers passed over my belly button, I felt a little bump. On their own accord, my fingers explored a little more and can you believe it? My in-y had become an out-y! I have always had a rather deep in-y so I did not expect to have an out-y during this pregnancy. I yanked up my shirt and had Tim look at it, and his response was, "Yeah, you're a sexy pregnant lady." I played with my out-y all night.

(About 14 weeks)

Heaven, Husband, Belly and Dharma

2009-11-18T15:59:00.000-08:00

On Saturday I found Heaven: Other Mothers, a maternity and children’s consignment store. It’s clean, big, kid friendly, cheap and right by my house! I was lucky enough to find a pair of size 8 petite maternity jeans! I was comfortable for the rest of the weekend. I wish I could wear those jeans to work every day. For now, most of my regular dress pants still fit fine in the in the legs and bum. The rubber band trick is still working, but horror of horrors, the rubber band is starting to actually cut into my preggo belly…I’m sure that another trip to Other Mothers is coming up soon!

I think that my stomach just popped this week. I definitely look pregnant when I look at myself in the mirror. Those close to me can tell, but otherwise it’s still pretty small. I find that reading too many books about pregnancy can be discouraging. I am constantly comparing my symptoms and my physical changes with what the book says, and I think it stresses me out! For example, most books say that I should start showing in my 4^th month and if I’m already showing in my 1^st trimester, then I’m probably either pregnant with twins, was underweight pre-pregnancy (ha!), or I am eating too much. The only real possibility is the third one (I hope), and if I’m eating too much then why am I hungry all the time?

Hopefully you are picturing me smiling…because too much information is not good, but at the same time I rely on those books for reassurance when something scary happens, like spotting.

My grace of the day, week, month, year: my husband is wonderful. He tries so hard to not argue with me or upset me because he doesn’t want to stress me. I hope this continues post-pregnancy…Further, I am not easy to deal with right now. In the space of an hour my emotions are like emoticons on instant messenger: pick any random one and I have expressed those feelings, vocally, to Tim in the last hour! I know I’m not going crazy but I am caught between needing space, needing to touch him constantly and being grouchy. This pregnancy thing must be so confusing for men!

One final thought to share: bless the Hollywood royalty for taking pregnancy from muumuus to sexy and cute. BUT. Big BUT. Not only is self-image difficult enough for regular women, but now there is a new standard for pregnant bodies, too. Many of the pregnant stars I have seen are still skinny with great-amazing!- legs. I can’t help but wonder if they care more about their how their knobby knees look in the photo shoot than the baby growing inside of them. I’m glad that pregnancy has become in-style, but it saddens me that I am influenced by Dharma’s amazing legs while she is pregnant (why don’t I look like that?).

(About 14 weeks)

First Baby Bump Pat

2009-11-12T20:05:00.000-08:00

My new maternity cords are so comfy! I could sleep in them! Today at work I wore a tighter shirt and my boss looked at me and said, oh you have a baby bump! How cute! Then I went upstairs to see some other coworkers and a friend of mine patted my tummy and commented on my baby bump. (Oh please oh please oh please let it be a baby bump and not just a too-much-cheese bump!) Man, these maternity pants are where it's at!!!

(About 13 weeks)

Now for the next few miles...

2009-11-02T20:02:00.000-08:00

No more pounding pavement. For now, anyway. This past year I have been very focused and motivated on running. I have run two half-marathons and have been happy with my times, although my times haven't been spectacular. I've never felt better or more confident.

Pregnancy definitely changes things! I did complete the second half marathon while about 8 weeks pregnant and although the actual running wasn't difficult, I have never experienced a recovery like that--it took me about two weeks to feel better, and I'm not talking muscle tension! It just wore me out!

My energy and stamina are just not what they used to be, so I've swallowed my pride and have begun walking for 30-45 minutes every day on my lunch break. It's wonderful! I am enjoying the gorgeous colors, crisp air and renewed energy. It can be dangerous too though--I have two big blisters on my heels thanks to my tall boots. Don't even ask me why I thought it was ok to walk that far in them.

Walking certainly isn't keeping my weight down but it is definitely very good for my muscle tone and overall emotional health. I have been running just a few slow miles but that's only about once a week or so. My biggest concern is the weather. Pretty soon it will start snowing or raining and it will be icy and icky outside. I won't want to go out for the weather and fear of slipping on the ice. It is pitch black when I get home so running after work is not an option.

So, we've been talking about the gym. It's definitely cheap but is it really what I want to do? Will I actually go more than twice a week? Last year I researched treadmills and found that I just didn't want to spend the $300 on the cheap model.

So yesterday Tim comes home and tells me that Goodwill has an elliptical machine for $50. We checked it out tonight and next to the elliptical machine was a fold up, basic model treadmill, clean and in working condition for $69.99! We purchased it and lo and behold, I can continue to walk/run this winter in the comfort of my cozy, warm, safe home! I was so thankful at Goodwill that, I swear, a tear started welling up in my eye. I blinked it away and said a prayer of thanks. I know that it's probably the hormones, but I am so thankful for these little blessings. God is so good to us! Hopefully I can stay healthy and have a fit pregnancy! Life is sweet!

(About 12 weeks)

Pit Stops Galore

2009-10-28T20:30:00.001-07:00

When it comes to drinking water, I have always been a fish. I can easily put down a gallon a day. The most notable change is how much I have to pee! Without fail, at 4 a.m. I have to get up to run to the bathroom and the whole time I pray I can fall back asleep (so far, sleeplessness usually wins). Plus, from what I've heard it only gets worse!

But. I more frequently find myself with my hand caressing my little baby bump and wondering what she looks like. I imagine the little toes with little toenails forming, curling and uncurling. The tiny hands moving about. The lungs that are forming. And I thank God. I am thankful for this baby and I am so thankful for my husband.

(About 11 weeks)

Grace in a Rubberband

2009-10-26T20:36:00.000-07:00

So far this is the most useful advice I have read, researched and tried. It is truly my blessing of the day. My pants are all too tight in the waist but they are not too small anywhere else. I still swim in my newly purchased maternity pants (thank you, Goodwill). Today my pants expanded and contracted all day with my tummy. It felt like synchronized swimming, skinny dipping and my favorite flannel pj bottoms. My husband says it could be dangerous. Ever the practical one.

They say grace is free. Today I found grace in a rubber band that gave me a new appreciation for this amazing physical transformation.

(About 11 weeks)

A Miracle Inside of Me...

2009-10-25T18:20:00.000-07:00

Today at lunch I asked the waitress if their goat cheese was pasteurized and told her it was because I was pregnant. She said, "Where are you pregnant?" Confused, I responded, "Where? Well, in my tummy." She commented that I was so tiny she couldn't tell. She got a big tip and I only ate half of my lunch.
(About 11 weeks)